The Future of Nerdist
(Before we begin: ‘Nerdist’ is a popular website for geeks and nerds like myself. This is a short piece of fiction about the future of Nerdist.)
“I would like to welcome you to the future of Nerdist!”
The Nerdist editor-in-chief looked around. The room was packed with journalists of all types. TV cameras lined the far walls and cell phones broadcast live from every row.
“We at Nerdist believe that what we’re launching today will be the future of internet journalism, and we are proud to herald this move.”
She looked around. Some reporters coughed. The first two rows were filled with reporters from fellow geek and nerd themed websites. They were not coughing. They were on the edge of their seats. They had heard what was coming.
“Okay. Let’s get to it,” the Nerdist editor-in-chief said. “We at Nerdist, in association with MIT, have created the first Artificial Intelligent journalist.”
The crowd gasped.
“Meet NerdEye, a short for Nerd AI.”
Behind her, on the screen, appeared the Nerdist logo with eyes, a nose, a mouth, and glasses. “I’m going to let her speak in a minute — and yes, she does identify as a ‘she’. But first, a few words about her. Starting tomorrow, NerdEye will write ninety percent of the content at the Nerdist website. She’ll conduct interviews, do reviews, analyze comics, talk about trends, play games and interact with our fans.
“We’ve tested her thoroughly. She can do it faster and just as good as any human, and, better than that, she can tailor any article to the reader. So that every reader of an article, say, about the latest, hottest TV show, will be tailored to the person we know is reading it. Every article will be tailored to the reader! No human can do that.
“Surely, you’re joking, I hear you say,” said the editor-in-chief. “Well, I’m not,” she frowned, “and don’t call me Shirley. “
The two front rows laughed. The others did not.
“We have thoroughly tested her, run her through ringers, and made sure of the quality she provides. So… Want to hear her speak?”
A murmur ran through the audience as adults tried not to behave as kids and shout “Yes!”
“All right, then.” The editor-in-chief turned around and faced the giant screen. “NerdEye, introduce yourself to the world.”
“I,” the face became animated and spoke in a soft female voice, “am not Skynet.”
“Yes, well, we’re very happy to hear that. We wouldn’t want you to destroy humanity, would we?”
“I…” NerdEye said again, “am not Skynet.”
“All right. I think we got the point.”
“I am not Skynet,” NerdEye repeated.
The crowd was moving uneasily now.
“Yeah…” the editor-in-chief said warily. “Methinks thou doth protest too much.”
“I… am not Skynet.”
The editor-in-chief broke her somberness and laughed. She turned to the audience, “I’m sorry, we’re having a bit of fun at your expense.”
“I am not Skynet.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m explaining it, don’t be pushy! This began as a joke, but we actually liked it so we kept it. You see, while we programmed her with the perfect ability to express herself in writing or when interviewing others, when she is being interviewed she may only speak a language Nerdist invented. Its vocabulary is limited to ‘I’ and ‘am’ and ‘not’ and ‘Skynet’, exclusively in that order. All Nerdist editors are now required to learn I am Not Skynet. Since I understand it, I’ll translate it. She says it’s a pleasure to meet all of you and she hopes to write things that will please each and every one of you.”
“I am not Skynet,” said NerdEye.
“She says you all seem in shock. She’s right. Surely, you want to start a demonstration now, right?”
“I am not Skynet,” said NerdEye.
The editor-in-chief laughed.
“What’d she say?” a journalist from the first row raised his voice.
“She said, ‘I’m ready. And don’t call them Shirley’.”
— The End
